Stay at home dads

[GLewis]

I know this is a weird place to ask, but are there any stay at home dads here? My wife has always made more than double my salary and when we decided to have a baby, we wanted one of us to stay home. So here I am. It's a good gig, but it's way harder than I ever imagined. Other than a construction job I had right out of high scholl, I don't know that I've ever worked harder, in my life.

Any tips, stories or advice?

[Andrew Tom]

I used to be a stay at home dad after my wife finished grad school and we had our second kid (I was an appliance salesman).  But once he got old enough to start preshool, I went back to school and got my engineering degree.

It was pretty tough, especially because I expected to have all of this extra time to be able to focus on my aspiring comic art career.  But the needs of being the stay at home parent never gave me enough time (or energy) to focus on it the way I probably needed to at that time.  It's a very big responsibility and I admire you for taking it on.

btw, my wife and I now make about the same, but I put in 55 hours to equal her 40 (ugh!!)

--Andy

[GLewis]

It's funny, but I've worked with kids almost my entire working life. I started in a treatment center for kids with psychological disabilities. You know how you hear those horror stories on the news, where a kid was locked in closet for the first seven years of their life or sold to dirty old men? Well, I worked in the place where they all wound up. Kids so damaged, that no other place would dare take them in, because theres just nothing they could do to help them. Very intense.

Then I worked at a camp for physically disabled children, that was the most inspiring thing I've ever done. I once watched a kid, put his wheel chair in a specially designed harness and wheel himself up a rock climbing wall. Incredible job, but physically demanding.

I lived in the woods with inner city gang kids and other juvenile offenders, where many days were about self defense. Some of the kids came from parts of cities so poor, that their first ride in a car was to our center.

Still, staying at home with an infant who has just become incredibly mobile, is exhausting. I assume the reason it's so hard is the emotional investment you can only have for your own child. Every day is something new and as soon as you think you have everything under control, there's a new phase or a growth spurt and it feels like you're starting from ground zero again. I'm tempted to hire a baby sitter on the weekends, then drive a few miles down the highway and get a motel room just to get eight straight hours of sleep.

I never had a regina pile until my son was born.

[Michael2402]

I'm not a stay at home dad but I have a 7 month old and I think my girlfriend's job is MUCH harder than mine. I wonder if more men stayed at home that the role of a stay at home parent would be more valued? I have friends who think going to work is the hard part. Karma for taking on the task.

[leafinsectman (Dan)]

I don't have any kids but I've made it perfectly clear with my wife that if we were to have one and one of us had to quit their job then that person would be me and she agrees. Having a career is more important to my wife (I don't really care if I don't have one) although I usually end up earning more than her but hopefully that'll change in the future.

All you stay at home dads should be proud of yourselves People shouldn't underestimate the effect of having at least one parent be there for the kid as s/he grows up.

[jkarguth]

It's funny, but I've worked with kids almost my entire working life. I started in a treatment center for kids with psychological disabilities. You know how you hear those horror stories on the news, where a kid was locked in closet for the first seven years of their life or sold to dirty old men? Well, I worked in the place where they all wound up. Kids so damaged, that no other place would dare take them in, because theres just nothing they could do to help them. Very intense.

Then I worked at a camp for physically disabled children, that was the most inspiring thing I've ever done. I once watched a kid, put his wheel chair in a specially designed harness and wheel himself up a rock climbing wall. Incredible job, but physically demanding.

I lived in the woods with inner city gang kids and other juvenile offenders, where many days were about self defense. Some of the kids came from parts of cities so poor, that their first ride in a car was to our center.

Are you secretly MacGyver?   

Still, staying at home with an infant who has just become incredibly mobile, is exhausting. I assume the reason it's so hard is the emotional investment you can only have for your own child. Every day is something new and as soon as you think you have everything under control, there's a new phase or a growth spurt and it feels like you're starting from ground zero again. I'm tempted to hire a baby sitter on the weekends, then drive a few miles down the highway and get a motel room just to get eight straight hours of sleep.

I never had a regina pile until my son was born.

As a fellow stay at home dad, now with my third child (a beautiful 3 month old girl).  My advice would be not to let it get overwhelming, because it can easily.  And expect that you are going to make mistakes.  I had and still get a good amount of ribbing from various family members, but I wouldn't change it.  I get a bond with my kids that most dads envy.   All the best, take joy from the good times, they will be many.

[Lukeh]

Stay at homes should get some sort government paid superannuation imo.

[The Questyen]

Stay at homes should get some sort government paid superannuation imo.

Why? No one is forcing people to have kids. Most lower income families wouldn't be able to survive with having one parent stay at home. The only people that would be helping are the people who can already afford to only having one parent work.

[Steve Raker]

Stay at homes should get some sort government paid superannuation imo.

Ha Ha....people who don't stay at home with their kids and work should pay for me to stay home with mine? 

I pull Mr Mom duty 2 days a week (and the afternoons the other 3 weekdays until my wife comes home around 6pm).  I've got a 6 y/o and now just turned 2 y/o.  I'm also an occupational therapist who works with infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers with disabilities from birth to age 5, travelling to their homes/preschools to provide therapy (and get paid shit for it, btw, thanks to NYS cutting our rates 20% over the last 13 months, while upping the non-paying paperwork requirements).

Yeah, raising/caring for infants/toddlers is tough, exhausting, and rewarding....but it's a pretty good gig if you can swing it, and so important for the kiddo.  It breaks my heart when I go to daycares and preschools and see so many sweet kids starved for adult attention and having their cute little moments not noticed, acknowledged or responded to.

My advice?  Stretch (a lot), eat a lot of protein early in the day (long lasting feul vs short acting carbs), and nap when they do.  By the time they get closer to 2 y/o, you'll get to that 'to read' pile while they're snuggled up against you watching Mickey Mouse or whatever.  They also need that self-exploring time playing with toys that doesn't require your constant involvement....I find I'm reading a lot of comics but rarely get time to watch TV or movies that I'd like to see (my 'to watch' pile is unsurmountable at this point!).

Hang in there, you'll miss these months when they get a little older! (and it gets a lot easier when they can sit up, crawl, etc....then it gets harder for a bit when they first walk, then a bit easier again).

[Chris Campbell]

My advice?  Stretch (a lot), eat a lot of protein early in the day (long lasting feul vs short acting carbs), and nap when they do.  By the time they get closer to 2 y/o, you'll get to that 'to read' pile while they're snuggled up against you watching Mickey Mouse or whatever.  They also need that self-exploring time playing with toys that doesn't require your constant involvement....I find I'm reading a lot of comics but rarely get time to watch TV or movies that I'd like to see (my 'to watch' pile is unsurmountable at this point!).

Hang in there, you'll miss these months when they get a little older! (and it gets a lot easier when they can sit up, crawl, etc....then it gets harder for a bit when they first walk, then a bit easier again).

Truth. Or you will be dying by the time the wife gets home.  I've never stayed home with the kids, but my wife is expecting our 3rd this fall, and she'll obviously be staying home.  Kinda scared for her.  3 kids under 5 years old.  Whew.  Makes me realize how easy 1 kid was comparatively.  Sounds like your ahead of the game tho, good luck!

[Wood]

Mad props for the discussion. I've never stayed at home, but I can say that the random times when I am "Mr. Mom" ...e.g, when my wife goes away for a long weekend on a "Girl's Trip", I am astonished at how taxing it is to be with the wee wons as a sole caretaker for days on end. I honestly, and completely do not know how they do it. Makes me love her even more if that's possible. Which, by proxy, also makes me respect ANYONE (man, woman or K'otati) who stays home to make a positive environment.

Not to take this in another direction, but I am so grateful that we have the wherewithal to allow my wife to be at home, and I sincerely wish it was possible that every family could have someone at home at least for part of the week. The reinforcement of values, the structure, the love, the consistency, the bridge between their outside influences and their core family lessons, it's all so hard to pull off under ideal circumstances, much less when both parents have to work full time or, even harder, when one parent is working and also having to provide a home without a partner.

[Steve Raker]

Not to take this in another direction, but I am so grateful that we have the wherewithal to allow my wife to be at home, and I sincerely wish it was possible that every family could have someone at home at least for part of the week. The reinforcement of values, the structure, the love, the consistency, the bridge between their outside influences and their core family lessons, it's all so hard to pull off under ideal circumstances, much less when both parents have to work full time or, even harder, when one parent is working and also having to provide a home without a partner.

Truth!

[GLewis]

We know how fortunate we are that one of us is able to stay home. We've been married fourteen years and waited to have kids until we could afford for one of us to stay home. It was a prerequisite.

I don't mean to sound whiny or complain. I truly am looking for good advice. Stretching and protein is very sound advice. Thanks!

Are you secretly MacGyver?  

Nope, not MacGuyver. I stumbled into my first job with kids. It's a pretty small network, so when ever a job opened up, word got around.

[Chris Campbell]

I don't mean to sound whiny or complain. I truly am looking for good advice. Stretching and protein is very sound advice. Thanks!

When I'm home with the kids solo for a long weekend (when the wife is doing a Girl's weekend), I've found that (even for the little ones) going outside and getting fresh air prevents them from melting down as much during the 4-7pm stretch.  Your mileage may vary, but staying at home ALL day is not a good look for me or the kids.  Gotta mix it up with the park, Toy's R US, the play areas at the mall, hell, just walking up and down your street.  My oldest tries to name every car logo as he walks by.

And resist the urge to do all of your Mr. Mom duties while they're napping - grab some time for yourself.  Its possible to do the chore while they're awake (whether it be laundry, cleaning, whatever).   

[Sampsa_G]

Stay at homes should get some sort government paid superannuation imo.

In Finland they actually do get a small compensation I think it's around six seven hundred dollars. But we also get 18 days of "paternity leave" (paid) and there is also a sort of parenthood leave which is 158 days where you get about 70% of your gross pay.

But hey definitely more power to you for doing it. From what I've seen it ain't easy.

[ojedi]

Mad props. We have a 2 month old and my wife has been able to take some time off (only because she can collect disability followed by Paid Family Leave here in CA) to devote to taking care of him. When I get home at night I immediately take over for most of the evening (so she can get some house work and dinner done, since I don't clean up to her standards and am a terrible cook ) and I do a lot of the care taking during the weekends to allow her to catch up on sleep and other miscellaneous things so she is recharged for the week ahead. In just that short amount of time I get exhausted. So I can only imagine how taxing doing it all day everyday of the week would be. And he isn't even mobile yet!

Based on my small amount of experience I can second other suggestions i.e. make sure to eat good when you can, holding off on house work during their napping times. Especially that second one. It has taken some time and much stress for my wife to buy into the resting while they are resting thing. She is a get things done type, but it has worn on here and she has excepted she has the extra help when I am at home. And vice versa. When I am taking care of the little man on Saturday and Sunday mornings while she is sleeping in, once I get him fed and sleeping I veg out in front of the t.v. Now grant it that doesn't last hours on end, but every little moment counts and adds up in the long run.

Again Kudos to you and all stay at home parents.

[GLewis]

When I'm home with the kids solo for a long weekend (when the wife is doing a Girl's weekend), I've found that (even for the little ones) going outside and getting fresh air prevents them from melting down as much during the 4-7pm stretch.  Your mileage may vary, but staying at home ALL day is not a good look for me or the kids.  Gotta mix it up with the park, Toy's R US, the play areas at the mall, hell, just walking up and down your street.  My oldest tries to name every car logo as he walks by.

And resist the urge to do all of your Mr. Mom duties while they're napping - grab some time for yourself.  Its possible to do the chore while they're awake (whether it be laundry, cleaning, whatever).   

I'm just discovering the evening activity. I'm such a bad father. I just thought he was tired at five o'clock everyday and he's seven months old! Luckily we live in a pretty great neighborhood. The past few weeks we've been doing a lap from our house, to the comic store, coffee shop, half price books, then stop at the UT intramural fields and watch the students play baseball or whatever. The ladies who work at the comic store play with him while I meander. He's a flirt. The coffee shop ladies take turns coming out and talking to him. My cousin is a UT cheerleader and is always at the fields, playing soccer or something, so Ivan is a few steps away from becoming their mascot. He's a player. We're creating our own village.

[Dom Sutton]

Gave up my job on a newspaper to do it for a year. Hardest work I've ever done. Shit. Piss. Puke. Tantrums. Man. Tough, tough job. No breaks. No days spent coasting. Lot of highs. Lot of lows. Thing I found hardest was that as a man it's hard to get up any kind of support network - I got to know a few other mothers through playgroups, the playground etc, but didn't really get invited into their world if you know what I mean. You definitely stand out from the crowd as a man. On the plus side I had some amazing times with my boy and we developed a good bond. He also knew the names of most of Marvel and DC's A listers and a good number of the B listers before he was two.

[Steve Raker]

Thing I found hardest was that as a man it's hard to get up any kind of support network - I got to know a few other mothers through playgroups, the playground etc, but didn't really get invited into their world if you know what I mean. You definitely stand out from the crowd as a man.

Good point....I'd been wondering a few times if I was standing in the way of my kiddo being invited for 'play dates' given the fact that I'd be the one showing up with him....

Fortunately, being a child motor therapist, I'd instead invite kiddos over to our house, and set up such fun activities that the accompanying moms just sit around while I facilitated the fun!

[Andrew Tom]

Good point....I'd been wondering a few times if I was standing in the way of my kiddo being invited for 'play dates' given the fact that I'd be the one showing up with him....

Fortunately, being a child motor therapist, I'd instead invite kiddos over to our house, and set up such fun activities that the accompanying moms just sit around while I facilitated the fun!

Steve,
Is using the slang term "kiddo/kiddos" a thing that therapists do?  I only ask because my wife is a speech pathologist and I hear it from her all of the time.  I figured that it was just her and her thrapist friends that she's friends with.