B Movie Thread

[valance_the_hunter]

Saori Hara 

[valance_the_hunter]

If you grew up in the eighties I'm sure you remember all those cash grabs movies that came out due to the Star Wars phenomena.  This is one of them.

Kelly Preston is in it, so is Richard Moll and Tim Thomerson, also a bunch of other losers, and god, I sure hope the people involved in this movie had more fun making it than I did watching it.  I really do.

There are a lot of post apocalyptic vehicles in this movie that look like they were bought from a used car dealership, if the dealership was run by Lord Humongous.  I especially like the part when one of these said vehicles runs over "intricately" cut styrofoam that is meant to look like space junk and all the inner white parts fly up in the air and come floating down over the camera like it was snowing.  God, is it stupid.

There is also a cool bad guy who has a robot arm, which kind of looks like this…

…with a sleeve pulled over it, and I know, I know, it looks a lot cooler in the poster…but this is that kind of understanding that only comes with age and makes one know better than to run down to Taco Bell at three in the morning to order one of those Dorrito shelled tacos because they saw a commercial on TV (and, yes, I've done that).

[valance_the_hunter]

Dear lord, if you have a regina pile, work on that shit and do not avoid it by watching this stupid fucking movie.  I implore you.

My nostalgia for Mongoose and Diamondback BMX bikes only goes so far….

There is a nice one second glimpse of Nicole Kidman's left butt cheek, but that's about it.  

[Equinox]

"I am never this lucky."  

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/gvZRM6J_Wo4&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/gvZRM6J_Wo4&rel=1</a>

[valance_the_hunter]

Best character name: Panasonic

Best quote: I'm gonna hit you so hard, you're dog is gonna die

Worst thing I have ever seen:  A nude, female bodybuilder doing interpretive dance behind a silk screen.

It's on instant watch.  00:57 is when the disturbing shit starts.  

Check it out…your mind will be blown.

[Wood]

I'm not sure the SyFy Corman movies count as B-List (more like D-List), but I happened to catch two of them over the holiday in a bout of insomnia and found them hilariously entertaining.

Dinoshark. It's a dinosaur with a T-rex head. And Eric Balfour was the star.

Jersey Shore Shark Attack.  Pauly from Sopranos and Paul Sorvino star in a film where great whites invade the jersey shore and attack everyone. But it's also a spoof on The Jersey Shore, with each of the main characters being analogs of the similarly titled "reality" show.   

[Christopher Stark]

I'm not sure the SyFy Corman movies count as B-List (more like D-List), but I happened to catch two of them over the holiday in a bout of insomnia and found them hilariously entertaining.

Dinoshark. It's a dinosaur with a T-rex head. And Eric Balfour was the star.

Jersey Shore Shark Attack.  Pauly from Sopranos and Paul Sorvino star in a film where great whites invade the jersey shore and attack everyone. But it's also a spoof on The Jersey Shore, with each of the main characters being analogs of the similarly titled "reality" show.   

Those awful SyFy movies absolutely count.  I watched Piranhaconda and Sharktopus.  You can guess what each was an amalgam of.  Piranhaconda was actually decent and it had Michael Madsen in it.

[valance_the_hunter]

Sho Kosugi 

This movie really answers the age old question of who could win in a fight, a 7 year old boy ninja, or a 29 year old woman.

[valance_the_hunter]

Seven different directors worked on this movie.  SEVEN.  The only thing sadder than that is my buddy telling me today that he saw this in the theater.  

Computer programmer versus wizard.  Makes sense right?

Also, Tipper Gore's favorite band stars in it, W.A.S.P.

[S. Earl]

Jersey Shore Shark Attack.  Pauly from Sopranos and Paul Sorvino star in a film where great whites invade the jersey shore and attack everyone. But it's also a spoof on The Jersey Shore, with each of the main characters being analogs of the similarly titled "reality" show.   

Pauly Walnuts?!?!? Oh man, did he really need a check that bad? That hurts my heart.

[AztecLos]

If you grew up in the eighties I'm sure you remember all those cash grabs movies that came out due to the Star Wars phenomena.  This is one of them.

I just saw that a few weeks ago. Had cool concept but you can see the cheapness of it. Most of the B Movies I've been watching is because of The Greatest Movie Ever...Podcast.

I also just saw this, a Japanese movie called The Machine Girl. Interesting and was sorta cool. Plenty of blood splash moments and ridicules comedy.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/eSpCWJnnWVI&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/eSpCWJnnWVI&rel=1</a>

[valance_the_hunter]

The first thing I noticed was this graffiti on the wall in one of the earlier scenes.

Death May Be You Santa Claus

WTF, right?  Definitely instigated some research.

The first thing I discovered was that it was an album by a band by the name of Second Hand
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/A32Pp1uY3xc&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/A32Pp1uY3xc&rel=1</a>
Strange stuff, but also enjoyable…kind of like if Frank Zappa was the front man for Gong or something but not nearly as good, and I guess there was a time when they were going to become Peter Gabriel's back up band, but most members were so fucked up, that it never happened.

Death May Be Your Santa Claus is also a name of a song off of a Mott the Hoople album Brain Capers.

More research led me to a controversial movie made in 69' called Death May Be Your Santa Claus (which I may or may not download and watch, more than likely I will, cause I'm obviously a sadist with a lot of time on my hands).  But I guess one of the scenes in the movie that made it so "controversial" was a scene in which a man is chased down and castrated, and the people who castrate him eat what they had cut off.  

But the first person to coin the phrase (I think) was Reverend J.M. Gates during the twenties.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/AP75IDKQOxE&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/AP75IDKQOxE&rel=1</a>

Now, before you guys thank(pity) me for my history lesson…let me get back to the movie.  Basically it is a movie about cyborgs, that's all you really need to know (seriously), I came out of it knowing less anyway, so any kind of exposition on the subject is a complete waste of time…but one scene in particular was ripe with stupidity.

A cyborg breaks into one of the main hero's room and they commence to fight.  This hero's room is only adorned with antiquated weaponry (antiquated because the movie is set in the future and they have laser guns), but in every single cut, the hero uses a different weapon on the cyborg, first the machete, then the crossbow, then the shotgun, then the sais, so on and so forth, (unfortunately never getting to the harpoon, which kind of bummed me out), but it must have been a big moment of serendipity for the main character knowing that he would finally be able to "try out" all of these weapons he had been collecting for years (good for him).  I was really hoping he found a way to incorporate the Mexican serape blanket he had on the wall, which may have been the most dangerous weapon of all, had it been infected with small pox or something, but alas, we will never know, and not that I am an expert on cyborgs or anything but I bet they are impervious to those sorts of epidemics, anyway.

Favorite Quote - Why would you give a robot drugs?

Favorite Term - Homicidally inactive

The movie is a gem-terrible dialogue, incomprehensible plot, bad special effects, except for the cyborg who becomes sentient towards the end of the movie (that was some good shit), ugly supporting women in desperate need of breast implants.  

The movie is basically a porno without any sex, if that makes any sense.  

 

[valance_the_hunter]

I know I do a lot of postings about B-movies on this thread and I don't blame you if you don't watch all of my "suggestions"…but I implore you all to watch this movie.

I could go into the detail about the majesty of The Barbarian Twins, but it really is inconsequential.  Just watch the movie.

You will just point your finger and laugh throughout the whole thing, it's mesmerizing, its like watching chimps go on a meat hunt.  It's bliss.

It's on instant watch BTW, if you have those capabilities.

[valance_the_hunter]

I saw this on IMDB's bottom 100 and it was at the top of the list (bottom of the list)?  
Either way…wow…what a mind fuck.  If you have ever done any psychotropic drugs in your past, then be careful, this movie will bring them to the surface faster than the oil in asphalt after the first rain of the season.

Downright terrifying.  I came close to acquiring kyrofelonoshophobia (fear of cartoon characters) while watching this movie and I'm sure somewhere the Fensler Bros. are kicking themselves for not making this movie first.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/-_7wSbB6L7w&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/-_7wSbB6L7w&rel=1</a>
Check out the madness at 4:00.  Good luck with your brains!

[Jeppe]

Check out the madness at 4:00.  Good luck with your brains!

Holy hell what was that 

[JimN]

Holy hell what was that 

It was Poochie on the Titanic!

"The name's Poochie D.
And I rock this telly.
I'm half Joe Camel
and a third Fonzarelli.
I'm the kung-fu hippie.
From gangsta city.
I'm a rappin' surfer.
You the fool I pity."

 

[valance_the_hunter]

I've been taking a break from watching bad movies, so to get back on the wagon I gave Night of the Creeps a whirl, and what a way to grab hold of that slippery, shit covered wagon than this movie.  What a piece of shit f'ing amazing movie!  Its kind of like the director got 17 scriptwriters together, got them high, and played the telephone game with them, and once the 17th scriptwriter was done, decided to make a movie based on what they had come up with.


This scene right here pretty much sums up why I watch this garbage.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/QHewuG1dxpw&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/QHewuG1dxpw&rel=1</a>
 

[valance_the_hunter]

Two Men! Two Machines! Too Wild!  And two stoned dudes watching it on a Saturday night.  

The movie drives pretty hard to the hoop with layers of information, but respects the viewer's clairvoyance enough to not elucidate on any of them…this may be attributed to the fact that Joe Haldeman wrote the script (only script he ever wrote).  If you don't know who Joe Haldeman is, I suggest picking up his book The Forever War which has always been a favorite of mine.  I don't think the poor bastard knew what he was getting into with this movie though.

It's a pretty original script too.  War has been outlawed and now neighboring states battle with robots over particular territory (roboto-a-roboto), they never really bother to tell you how this came into play, you just have to accept it and move on.  There is also a movement of resentment towards the "toobies", bio-engineered humans to run these machines, but they don't really go into detail on that either.  They don't go into detail about anything, which is a shame to, because there is a lot of shit going on, beyond all the shitty acting and terrible stop-animation.

It also stars Mr Miyagi's nemesis from Karate Kid 2, but that's neither here nor there.

Personally, I think it's worth a watch…but my judgement is really poor, especially when I've been drinking.    But if you honestly have nothing better to do, you should watch this train wreck.

Thanks me later.  

[valance_the_hunter]

There are three stages of evolution for chuck norris. clean shaven, mustache, beard…he gets worse during each progression.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/5YoigvohJGk&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/5YoigvohJGk&rel=1</a>

[AztecLos]

Well here is classic now that is streaming on Netflix, Erik The Viking. I thought it was funny as hell when I was a kid. And had few funny moments.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/8rft9QtIFks&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/8rft9QtIFks&rel=1</a>

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/d9lClnOiCjA&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/d9lClnOiCjA&rel=1</a>