The Groom Wars are over (warning - real life blog-ish stuff)

[S. Earl]

Not usually a fan of blog-ish type threads, but I want to see what the consensuses is here in a place that I doubt my family would ever stumble across as I plan how to approach this situation.

As some of you might be aware, I'm engaged to be married. This is to go down in August 2013, and this date has been loosely set for months now. My family have been very aware of this. Planning this thing has been stressful as all hell for me and Becki (we aren't trying to go that big, but still, we haven't found a money tree yet to help out) and the one thing I think could have made this any stressful didn't even cross my mind: My little brother stealing our thunder.

He proposed to his girlfriend Sunday. That's all well and good, it's his right, it's been a few months since Becki and I started down this road. But what infuriates me, and Becki as well, is that he claims he can't wait until after us. They don't want to "crowd us" by having it close to ours, but at the same time he says they can't wait until after August of next year so he is claiming May or June... Apparently she isn't pregnant so I don't know what the rush is all about. My mom is delusional/blinded by being happy we are both planning on getting hitched, and doesn't understand why we are upset, so the option of having her talk sense into him isn't gonna happen. I'm hoping our Stepdad sets him straight before I have to make an issue of it. But at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure there is an un-written rule somewhere that states don't try and steal the thunder of your only Full Blood brothers wedding day. And at the very least I'm pissed off that it has given Becki one more thing to be stressed about in regards to our wedding, I don't like my woman being stressed.

Am I over reacting? Should this not even be an issue? He and I have never been competitive, we've lived very different lives, so I don't think that's the issue. I think he just doesn't understand it's something you just don't do. I imagine both our "special days" would be better served if they were distanced from each other.

I warned y'all it was bloggy Apologies.

[valance_the_hunter]

Costanzian advice - Call his bluff, tell him you found a great deal on a place that's special to both you, and your woman, but it's only available during the springtime (April).  You could even get weird about it and say you want to get married at the same time cause the said place is really cool and ridiculously affordable.

My advice - I would let it go.  

[JohnnyNoPrize]

Dual Wedding??? Split the costs and throw one HELLUVA party!

[S. Earl]

.

My advice - I would let it go.  

That's what I know I'll end up doing... Or least try to. But I also get the feeling my other half will be a bit miffed with me if I don't at least try to change the situation.

Gsh. As I needed one more reason to drink.

Dual Wedding??? Split the costs and throw one HELLUVA party!

You know, I'd almost be okay with that, almost. But I know for a act both brides wouldn't be.

[leafinsectman (Dan)]

I'm not big on weddings (and neither is my wife) so I wouldn't care if this happened to me. But me and my wife are weirdos so there's that. More importantly, this is something that upsets both you and your fiancee so it should be addressed.

I think it would be nice if your brother could wait a little until after your wedding. But sometimes people just wanna do their own thing without a care for how others feel. I hope everything goes well when trying to discuss this with him but if he really won't budge, is this gonna be a huge deal between you two?

Who knows, maybe he has a valid reason. But I think he should communicate it more clearly with you guys if there's a legit reason for him wanting to do it earlier. Could they do it much earlier, like Jan or Feb?

[leafinsectman (Dan)]

But I also get the feeling my other half will be a bit miffed with me if I don't at least try to change the situation.

Give it your best to convince him and show her that you tried real hard to do so. If she sees that you tried then at least she can't say that you didn't.

If all else fails, maybe try to get some extra cash somewhere and do an even better wedding. Then yours will be the one that everyone will remember.

"Oh yeah, I remember going to that wedding. But the other one a couple of months later killed it!"

[tomkaters]

That royally sucks.

"I can't wait" really means "I won't wait cause I am selfish"

[Lukeh]

If planing the thing and the finical side is stressful, maybe pushing yours back would be a blessing in disguise. Giveyou more time to plan, save and get things cheaper.

[S. Earl]

It's not the size of the wedding that I'm worried about, it's the principle of the thing. It's hard for me to explain because I'm a simple man, and I don't need the works to revolve around me, but I know how important it is to Becki for this to be "our time" in regards to our families.

Let me put it this way: his actions have made my fiancé mad and sad. I would never make his fiancé feel that way, at least knowingly. He texted me to get Beckis number and claims he is calling her tomorrow. I'll be interested to see what kind of sales pitch he tries to put on this when he talks to her.

Thanks for the feedback. It's appreciated.

[leafinsectman (Dan)]

but I know how important it is to Becki for this to be "our time" in regards to our families.

That's understandable. The last couple of months before the wedding will be all about the preparation and getting things sorted out which you wouldn't be able to do properly if there's another big thing going on. I dunno man, I guess try your best to sort things out with your brother. Either that or postpone yours like Lukeh said. Or find some other way to make her feel better about the situation (which I'm guessing won't be easy).

What can you really do in this situation? Fight your brother until he backs down? Is he likely to change his mind? Has he always been like this?

[S. Earl]

He hasn't always been like this, we've never been competitive. He's 6 years younger then me so we were spaced out enough to where sibling rivalvry never came into play for us. We took wildly different paths. I moved out at 18 and stayed moved out, slowly moving further away from home till I arrived in the Bay Area. He stayed at home till 20, went to school in chico for 4 years, and then moved right back home after that. We couldn't be more different, save maybe both of us having a fondness for Westerns, Sports, and Old Tyme Country.

Maybe I'm over reacting, there is plenty of time for this to work out. Like I stated above I'm more irritated because he's upset my woman. She's already wound up tight enough (half of it her own doing because she is adamant about having the ceremony at this light house in Point Bonita)

He and I getting into it won't accomplish anything, most likely cause him to dig his heels. We spoke on the phone about it and I let him know he's a shit head, that was the extent of it. The rest of the conversation was civil. I am trying to strike a balance between being excited my brother is taking this next step in his life, and at the same time letting him know he isn't totally going about it the right was with his timing. I'm not going to change our plans just to beat him to the punch, we would regret that later and that's not the point of this.

Sorry to Drama up the board folks, I just had to vent.

[leafinsectman (Dan)]

Sorry to Drama up the board folks, I just had to vent.

It's all good Maybe you can tell him that if they do their wedding a little later after yours, you guys would be able to help them out with the preparation and things. It works out better for everyone.

P.S. Tell him to wait a little so they can enjoy the 'engaged' status a little more.

[Lucien21]

I think one sibling wedding a year is the norm. I think it is unfair on a family, esp your parents, to expect everyone to spend that kind of money and attention on more than one member of the family.

So yes I think either him or his fiance is being a dick.

[Jordan]

Are you parents contributing to both weddings?  Maybe you could use that as a reason to have him push it back? 

I understand that your fiancee is upset but I'm not really sure why.  If the weddings are 2 or 3 months apart, is there really a conflict?

[Wood]

I guess I'm going to be the contrarian here, but I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

You're planning a wedding more than a year from now (and almost a year and a half after you proposed), and he and his girlfriend don't want to wait that long.  I see zero problem with that, and it sounds to me like he's at least trying to have the wedding far enough ahead of yours as to not cause real logistical nightmares for you. If you were planning it in the first week of August, and he comes out and says they're getting married in the last week of July, I could understand being upset. But he and his fiance want to chart their own path, and are aiming for two to three months before you.  Sounds 100% reasonable.

[boshuda]

I would like to add, at the risk of sounding sexist or something, the wedding isn't about us guys.  At all.  Ever.  Period.  It's 'her special day'.  So asking on a board dominated by guys probably isn't going to even begin to cover all of the angles.  You need a female friend to discuss this with, or post it in a Cosmo forum, or something.

[The Questyen]

I guess I'm going to be the contrarian here, but I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

You're planning a wedding more than a year from now (and almost a year and a half after you proposed), and he and his girlfriend don't want to wait that long.  I see zero problem with that, and it sounds to me like he's at least trying to have the wedding far enough ahead of yours as to not cause real logistical nightmares for you. If you were planning it in the first week of August, and he comes out and says they're getting married in the last week of July, I could understand being upset. But he and his fiance want to chart their own path, and are aiming for two to three months before you.  Sounds 100% reasonable.

I'm with you. I even asked my wife and she said she wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

[JohnnyNoPrize]

I would like to add, at the risk of sounding sexist or something, the wedding isn't about us guys.  At all.  Ever.  Period. 

**looks at the extra super-special wedding ensemble that has been hanging in his closet since the world was in black and white and, a single tear streaming down his face says silently....**

"He wasnt talking about me. Weddings are for us, too, damnit!"

 

[ryan]

I'm with you. I even asked my wife and she said she wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

yea, I'm with Wood an Questyen. And my wife also didn't see what the big deal as it's far enough apart and you can't really ask someone else to hold off, more than a year themselves, if they are being reasonable given the circumstances. Plus she did bring up a good point of you brother could have been planning to propose sooner and you beat him to the punch on that front too, so he kinda could have done a small kindness already in waiting on his proposal. Tho, she immediately followed that up with if she had a sister that did that there would be a cat fight...but then it'd be a non-issue afterwards. So what I took from her is you get to jack your brother in the face, once. Then let it go, and just show them up next August (better weather for sure)

[legion of daves]

I guess I'm going to be the contrarian here, but I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

You're planning a wedding more than a year from now (and almost a year and a half after you proposed), and he and his girlfriend don't want to wait that long.  I see zero problem with that, and it sounds to me like he's at least trying to have the wedding far enough ahead of yours as to not cause real logistical nightmares for you. If you were planning it in the first week of August, and he comes out and says they're getting married in the last week of July, I could understand being upset. But he and his fiance want to chart their own path, and are aiming for two to three months before you.  Sounds 100% reasonable.

this is pretty much my stance.  i don't think he's intentionally stealing your thunder, nor do i really think you're in danger of him doing so.  like wood said, maybe if they were much closer together.  weddings happen, one year my wife and i went to 4 weddings in 4 months.  they're going to be different, and there's no way your brother having his wedding a few months before yours will make yours less special.