The Drawing Board

[Bluenote77]

Kyle and Dox

I have to disagree with some of the things Kyle was talking about in panels 7,8, and 9. I think in order for the gag to play out, you would have to remove panel 7 and replace with on similar to 8 and 9. Although 7 is a nice rendering, it is still tough to tell if the expression is of frustration or anger because, well, he's Vader, the ultimate poker face.

I think this gag works better if it is continued past the initial panels of the bill returning. It should be a slow burn rather than a quick 3 panels. The reader will quickly look over panels 4,5, and 6, but then if the same gag is continued with a simple camera change and minimal hand movement by Vader, then it builds the tension and explains the eruption of anger towards a simple soda machine. Although the Storm Trooper is a nice touch, that's not the gag. The emphasis has to be put on the tension between Vader and Soda Machine.

Also, with panel 7, aesthetically speaking, I think the blacks of Vader's helmet would be too heavy next to the other panels which rely more on thinner lines. There's would be a nice symmetry or rhythm of panels before the jump to Vader becoming frustrated on the next page.

Just my two cents...

[Jon O]

I posted links to the first two chapters of Awful Lot on the main page to try and get more clicks and views, but I know you guys are the real deal helpful critics.  Here's a link to the thread I already wrote:

https://bullpenbulletinspodcast.com/forum/index.php?topic=12741.0

[Bluenote77]

Jon O...I will definitely take a look over the strips and let ya know.

My turn. This is the very first attempt at a page. There is no story to it. It was just based on this car that was in front of me today at a light. I thought it was sweet, and so I drew something to go with it. Let me know what you think.

 

[Jon O]

I like the tilted horizon lines.  It does a good job creating motion in the panels.  Cars going down the highway is hard to do in comics and I feel this is pretty successful.  I might have had the car skidding to the right instead of left to have the motion moving in the direction you read, but I see some strength in having the motion pull against the reader to make the crash feel more dangerous or out of control.

I think that's a good page!

[Bluenote77]

Jon...I apologize. I haven't had looked at the links yet, but I will.

I just did this RazorFist for a buddy of mine and I want you guys to take a crack at it. Thanks

I made it as big as I could hoping it would help with details.

[Bluenote77]

Jon...I read through some of the strips last night and this morning. The only thing that stood out to me is attention to detail. I think that some consistency in drawing the little things would help. Things like the same perspective in each background, objects that are not important to the story but are still in the panel. Just a few of those little things. I really like the story though.

[Jon O]

Perspective is a huge problem for me, I'm hoping that it gets a little better in chapter two than it was in chapter one.  That's a pretty consistent problem with my work.  If you don't mind, could you mention some of the specific background things that aren't working.  I've been trying to make sure each person's house looks the same each time it comes up, that paintings are hung up in the same place, and stuff like that.  Thanks for reading!

[doxinthebox]

bluenote-

i really like the variety in the line and the highlights on the suit help add some volume to the figure. the anatomy could use some work, particularly through the core and into the right arm, which seems to be in a somewhat unnatural pose for the way the rest of the muscles in the shoulder are positioned. i would think from that position, the arm would be rolled over slightly more, exposing more of the triceps and a bit less of the biceps. you also could have intended for him to be in more of a "bodybuilding" flex style pose, and if so, my only suggestion would be to look at the connection of the shoulder into the back and shoulder-blade as well as the size of the feet in relation to each other and their proximity to the camera. the positioning of the eyes on the head (one of the hardest things to pull off, IMO) is on point. its difficult to make static poses look natural. focus on the rhythm of the lines you are drawing and the forces and musculature at work. i struggle mightily with drawing the human figure in a lifelike manner (perhaps you've noticed  ) and have found a lot of value in the book "force: dynamic life drawing for animators" by michael d. mattesi. thanks for sharing it with us!     

[Bluenote77]

Dox...Thank you. I see exactly what you're talking about. I thought I had the book and I looked around for it but to no avail. I do have a book I use quite a bit called Anatomy for the Artist
It's really a handy book to keep on hand. Lots of great poses. I just need to keep using reference photos over and over. Thanks for the words of advice. It really helps.

Also I decided to try again with a different pose. Hopefully this is a little more successful.

[Bluenote77]

Here's a Dr. Mid-Nite.
Let me know what you think I can do to get better.

[Jon O]

Well I've gotten to page 16 in pencilling Maps so I could literally take Kyle's tips on the page.  I wanted to show yall the pencils because I think the page works a lot better now thanks to the critiques.  It won't be inked for awhile probably, but this thread is all about process.

The old page looked like this:

and now we have:



It still needs some cleaning up, but wow.  What a cool example of seeing just how much better a page can get even when hitting the exact same beats of a story.  I love you guys, lets make sure we keep this thread alive  

[evaD]

Here's a Dr. Mid-Nite.
Let me know what you think I can do to get better.

Something very difficult to do when you're making stuff up is to maintain a consistent light source. If you look at your Dr. Midnight for lighting you'll notice the arms are lit from the right and the legs and torso ate lit from the left. The head is lit from the left as well, but the face shows very little effects from lighting.

[evaD]

Jon, I love the new page layout. Can't wait to see it inked.